I am trying to understand.

When I started this blog oh so many years ago, it was meant to be a journal of my weight loss. What it has become is a journal to understanding myself and a way to vent. I now know that smaller shelley does not mean getting a smaller body. It means that I feel like a smaller person. I spend way too much time feeling sorry for myself. Always the victim? If that's true, then I am also the victimizer.  Bad things happen....get over it. I know these words are true, but I don't know how. I need to list some of the things that have happened TO me. I am not saying that I am not to blame for at least some of them, but you judge.

• I lost my job. I loved my job and the company I worked for. It was a business decision that had nothing to do with me personally. My position with the company was eliminated. I am good at what I do. The field is very tight in my area. I am over 50, which will probably make finding a new position more difficult.
• I have a non-relationship with my sister. She is older and had many problems of her own. I need to stop making excuses for her. The truth is that she is a sick individual. She has never liked me. She has always been jealous of me, even though it is all in her mind. For years I have known that she has been telling lies about me. I know I should have just confronted her, but she really is sick. No one wants to be the one to face her. We are all afraid of  pushing her over the edge. I recently learned exactly what she has been telling people. It is bad. It comes from her jealousy of me and the relationship I had with our mother. As far as I am concerned, she is no one to me. I'm done with her...period.
• I am married, but will get a divorce as soon as I am on my feet again and have the money for it. We live in the same house, but have been separated for over 3 years. It is a lot of work to get along. He can be very mean and no one should have to live like this. I did my part to ruin this marriage, so half of the blame lies squarely on my shoulders.
• I have a troubled child. I will take a lot of blame for this, but he owns his problems.He was our foster child and we adopted him. From early on my relationship with him has been on shaky ground. His issues are tipple for adopted children. Abandonment issues. Feeling that he does not belong. We are in therapy to resolve his issues, but he is not willing to do the work. In fact, he is not will to do any work. He is very smart. He is also lazy. Last year he failed the grade he was in ans is repeating it this year. He still does not do the work needed to successfully pass this year. I know I need to continue to work on this relationship. I do see a pattern here.
• I am very lonely. I have few friends and none live near. I have no support. No one to talk to.  I feel very trapped. Trapped in a dead marriage. Trapped in a house I hate. Trapped in my own mind. Now I don't have an income, so the trap is tighter than ever before.

See, I did say I feel sorry for myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself. Overweight, under loved. Stressed to the max. Time to kick myself in the butt and do something about it, but will I?

I may have FINALLY found the answer to lose the weight!!!

June 2012. Last year I tried HcG again. This time from a doctor. The first thing she did was test my thyroid. As it turned out, the level was so high that even if I stopped eating for a month, I probably would have only lost a few pounds then gained them back in no time.  I went to my regular doctor who also ran a blood test. He agreed that the level was too high. I started taking meds to regulate my thyroid. I began the HcG which I learned too late, was not a good idea. I lost some weight the first 2 weeks, then started to gain.What the hell was wrong with me?? Not to bore you, if I haven't already, but I had a problem that I was not capable of dealing with on my own.

Skip ahead 8 months. I have already had my meds increased 3 times. It's January. I have just started NutraSystem. Doing good. First week I last 5 pounds, next week 4 pounds, 3rd week 2 pounds.....are you seeing a pattern? Ok, by week 8 I am slowly starting to gain weight. It was not me!! I followed the diet to the letter!! I don't cheat.

Back to the doctor. More blood tests. HE thinks my levels are fine. HE thinks!! I DON'T THINK!! What's worse, HE thinks I don't need to be on thyroid meds anymore!! Ok, again I will skip the details and get to the end. The nurse/office manager in HIS office (who I have been a patient of for 10 years) understood and spoke to HIM on my behalf. She explained my concerns (so I won't have to pay for an appointment to see HIM) and as a result he not only increased my dose, but he wrote the script for BRAND NAME ONLY!!!  You can't see, but I am jumping up and down with happiness......LOL

I haven't had a blood test to check the level since the med change, but I did start another diet. Five weeks ago I went on Physician's Weight Loss VLCD plan. The first week I lost 6 pounds!!!  2nd week I lost 2 pounds, 3rd week I lost 2.5 pounds, 4th week I lost 3 pounds. See a pattern!! The meds work, the diet works, but there is still one more important piece to my weight loss, so far success and that is motivations.

I have motivation.  Besides wanting to look and feel better, have a trip planned. I trip in which I will see my family who I have not see for 4 years or longer. I am also going to see someone from my past. Now that is what I call motivation!!

So far, so good. To date from January with my weight losses and gains to day, I have lost over 20 pounds. I still have 25 pounds  to go but I continue to stay on the diet, even though I do cheat a little, but I am still losing the weight. Every day, every week I see the pounds fall off.  I look much better and I feel much better. Only time will tell if I really found the answer that I have been looking for for so long.

If you are having problems losing weight or with anything else, get help. See your doctor. If your doctor can't give you the answers to help with your situation, speak to them, and if that doesn't work find a doctor who will help you.

Getting ready to start all over again.

It's April and it's time for me to start again. This time I am going to do the shots. I have my supplies. Tonight I will mix the hcg and fill some needles. I will begin either tomorrow or Tuesday...(I guess you figured out it is Sunday). I did ok with the homeopathic drops, but I know the best way is real hgc. Tonight I will put together a shopping list. I need oil free shower gel and some good stuff to eat on my load days. I have been into this granola bark from Publix. It is so unbelievably wonderful. I will eat as much as possible on my load days. That is the only thing I know I will crave. That's it for now. I will be back when my journey begins!

February 2011

I have completed my last round of HCG. I lost 16 pounds and put backon about 3 pounds. That's ok. I realize I need more than a quick way to take it off. I need an education. I know what to do...sort of. At least I always though I knew how, but was too lazy or unmotivated to do anything about it. I now understand that I need need help. I need to be guided into learning and practicing how to be healthy. Don't get me wrong...I have done great so far. I have lost 30 pounds, lowered my blood pressure and began to regain my health. This is not emough. I have a long journey ahead and once I learn, I want to share my knowledge with you. It is my hope to publish a website that will give practical imformation on the "diets" and weight loss plans out there. I will need help to do this.

I am putting links on this blog for other programs that people I know have told me about. Please feel free to try any of them, but please let me know how they work. Good or bad, I need your help. Please free to email me or friend me on facebook and leave me a message. Email: shellroger@comcast.net.

Thanks for your help!!  I will gladly acknowledge anyone who helps me with this project!

Blessings

Doing great, but feeling like crap

Today is Sunday, January 9th.  I am on day 7 and have lost 9.4 pounds as of this morning. I am very happy this round. I am losing an average of 1 pound a day! Before I was lucky to lose 1/2 a pound a day. I feel like crap because I have the flu. My 5 year old daughter has it big time. My 10 year old son and I both got a milder form of the flu. Sinus trouble, like a head cold. I spent the week end in bed, got a lot of rest and feel a little better.

This round is better than before because this time I am following the rules to the letter. Last 2 rounds I cheated. Small cheats, but enough to hurt my weight loss. No cheats this time. I want to kick myself for messing up before. Had I set my last round I would have started this one 10-12 pounds lighter. Maybe that is why I am doing this round the right way. My goal is 40 days which wold mean 40 pounds. I will be happy with 35 days/pounds. Either way, I am planning on one more round after this. Instead of waithing 6 weeks, 3 maintenance, phase 3 and 3 phase 4, I will wait 8-10 weeks. I find the longer I wait between rounds, the better the results. I am thinking last round about May. Maybe Mother's Day week end. That is when I started hcg the very first time. I WILL be below goal for the summer. I will be healthy and very happy this summer. That is my pleadge to myself. I know it will happen.

If you are ready to begin your hcg journey...click the banner and remember, order from the website, not through chat. Feel free to email me if you have any questions. Also, please follow me. Thanks for letting me share my journey.

A new begining

Well it's the new year and I am so thilled to be starting round 3.  I waited longer than I had to to begin again. I went through a lot of stress in the long months since I finished round 2. I make so many mistakes, but I promise that will not happen again. My problem was that I did not do the entire 3 weeks of maintenance after my last round. I made it even worse by eating crap like candy and cakes. The first 2 months were good, only up 1 or 2 pounds the first 8 weeks. It was after that when I started eating the junk.  I tried to keep away from holiday foods, but ate it anyhow.

Going up a size has made me realize how important it is to follow the rules. I feel crappy. I am so ready for the drops. I know how wonderful I will feel in a few more days. I know I can do it right....I am too important to mess it up. I am angry at myself for starting round 3 with more to lose than I should have to lose, but I will look forward and forgive myself.

Well, I will check back in about a week. Until then.........

Nearing the end of round 2

Ok, so I have been on phase 2 for about 25 days. I have lost 11 pounds so far this round. I am going to try to stay on the drops through the end of the month. I may not have lost as much weight as I had hoped to, but I have lost a lot of inches. My size 14 butt is now a much smaller size 8...that's right...I said 8!!

With about 25 more pounds to my end goal, I am thinking about starting round 3 on Thanksgiving. I think it is a good day to start, because it will be my first load day and I plan on making a lot of yummy side dishes to go with my turkey. Two, guilt free days of eating. Who could ask for more!!!

I will post some pics when I decide to stop the drops. Until then I hope to lose 4 more pounds. If I don't, that will be ok. Almost 35 pounds in 2 rounds.......I LOVE HCG!! Try it, you will too.

Round 2........let the game begin

Friday July 23rd: Started round 2 today. Started the day eating like crazy, even though it was hard to eat because I am never very hungry anymore. I ate bagels, donuts, burger and fries, a brownie, cookies...you get the idea. I even drank soda!

Saturday July 24th: Still eating a lot. Pasta, Double 1/4 pounder and fries from McDonald's, sweets, soda, as much fat as possible.

Sunday July 25th. Back to VLCD. 500 cal.  Took my drops, drank a lot of water. Eat a small salad with tuna for lunch. Was busy and forgot to have fruit. Ate chicken with a small tomato for dinner and an apple later. Feeling very good today.

Monday, July 26th: back down 2.5 pounds. My stomach is bothering me today, but I know it's from all the fat I ate on my 2 load days. Still not hungry, but I will have my 500 cal today and lose another pound or 2.  Love this journey... love each step of my new body.

Got through the next phase

Ok. I have completed 3 weeks of the first maintenance phase and I am doing great. Staying within the 2 pound rule. I am still feeling good but not as good as when am on the drops. I can not wait to start round 2. I ordered my drops for the next round and I only have 3 weeks (or so) to go before I can start again.

The next round I know I will do even better than the first. I will make sure to weigh my food and stay at or under the 500 cal.   I noticed that when I started PH 3, it seemed hard for me to eat more. I did not feel hungry at all. I am eating pretty much the same way, but with larger portions. I have added a few things like pizza...ok, I know what you are thinking. Pizza sounds like it would be bad for you, but I am having plain or with tomato slices and not eating the crust. i will eat 2 or 3 small pieces which is not bad because when I was gaining weight, I would eat 4-6 slices at one sitting.

I am still eating at least 1 salad a day with grilled chicken or tuna on it and even I am surprised that I don't use salad dressing any more. I have had some, but only a few drops. Unless the salad is tasteless, I find that I don't need dressing.

I am sticking to the apple a day, grapefruit and strawberries for my fruits, except that I did add oranges (which are on the protocol) and some cherries to my list.

I have also added some corn, but only in salsa and some black beans, again in some salsa. I am having  1 or 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast if I am hungry and have also added almonds throughout the day as a snack. Greel yogurt is really good when I add some frozen strawberries and some Stevia to sweeten.

Iam not having a hard time at all with limiting the foods I am eating. I want to stay close to the protocol foods because I am looking forward to the next round and want to make it as easy as possible for myself. I have found that if I really want something "bad", I take a taste. We were at Olive Garden a couple of weeks ago and I ordered this chocholet cheesecake thing for the kids. Well, I always say.."say it with chocholet". Anyhow, it looked so good I wanted to scream, so I took a fork and took about 1/4 of a forkful. I ate is very slowly and then had another 1/4 of a forkful. That did it. I had my "fix" and didn't look back. The next morning my scale did not move a gram!!  No harm...no foul!!

Anyone can do this. Anyone can do ANYTHING for 1 month. So little time to look and feel better. I can't wait for my next phase to end to get back on protocol. I will try to get a photo this time to show the weight loss and I will post it here.

Thankss for following me!!

Finished round 1

Ok, I have completed round 1 and have lost 16.5 pounds and 24 inches!! I am now in a size 10, down from a size 14. I am now on phase 3 for 3weeks then on to phase 4 for 3 weeks before starting round 2.

I am actually surprised how easy it is to eat right without the drops running through me. My first day off the drops, I ate at Olive Garden. Not a good idea, but it matters what you chose. I had chicken, grilled with veggies and angle hair pasta. The pasta was a bad idea, (not on phase 3), but I didn't have much. I even tasted the cake the kids had. Oh, I ordered it without the sauce. The taste was awesome!! 

I weighed in this morning and have not lost or gained anything! I will continue to eat well and follow the protocol. I can't wait to start round 2 to lose the rest of my weight if possible. I may need to do another round, but that is ok. I am learning to eat right and that is all that matters.

Reaching my goal, 1 pound at a time.

It's been 13 days on Phase II of this protocol and I am down 11 pounds. Not a small feat, especially for me. I usually loss about 3-4 pounds less than the total inches I lose when on a "diet". I have not measured myself yet, but I have checked my waist a time or two and I have already lost about 4 inches from my stomach/waist alone.  When I first started 13 days ago, I did not take any photos of myself. I really wish I had, so that I could see the difference from day 1 until now. I will ask someone here to take a few pictures to photo journal the rest of my journey.

Doing the HCG protocol has been one of the easiest and most rewarding things I could ever have done for myself. I do not feel hungry, in fact I sometimes feel full half way through a meal. Maybe you, dear reader, would be curious about what my "diet" looks like.

Well today, Sunday, my family went to Applebee's for lunch. Our waitress was wonderful and so accommodating. I ordered tilapia to which she suggested I get it blackened and a "salad" (just the lettuce). I drank water with lemon in it. The food was wonderful and really filled me up.  For dinner I will grill some chicken breasts and have ripe tomato slices with it. I will have an apple when I get off this computer and 1/2 a grapefruit for my snack tonight. Add in a Melba toast or two and I am done for the day.

Not so bad. Great food, clean and healthy. No fast food, which I doubt I will be able to eat again after eating so much fresh good stuff.  Part of this journey for me is to learn to eat the foods that fuel my body while tasting good. I don't need food to comfort me. I can and will learn to self comfort in a good, healthy way. Portion control and good choices is what it is all about. For the first summer in a long time, I should be able to wear shorts. Today,  I wore a sleeveless top. Now that is something I have not done since last summer on a 90 degree day. And I didn't wear a sweater with it! It is nice to feel "normal" and not like a blob. All this with only the first 11 pound gone. I can hardly wait to see how I will feel when I finally get to my weight loss goal of 50 pounds. Life will be so much better. Well, got a run. Check back in a few days. Until then....Happy journey!J

Books, etc. to make your journey easier.

My daily journey

Day 3 - Monday (aka R1P2D3)
Started my morning weigh-in at +1 lb. That's ok, today is my first VLCD day (Very Low Calorie Day)

Day 4 - Tuesday (R1P2D4)
Morning weigh-in:  -3 lbs!!!  Go me. Had a great day. Ate a little too much, but will be more careful.

Day 5- Wednesday  (R1P2D5)
Morning weigh-in: -1 lb!1 (-4 lbs total so far)

Day 6- Thursday (R1P2D6)
Morning weigh-in: -1 lb! (-5 lbs total so far)

Day 7- Friday  (R1P2D7)
Morning weigh-in: the same weight as yesterday!! Oh no, I feel like panicing. I must have done something wrong. I didn't write in my journel today, so I forget what if anything was different today. I hope to be on track tomorrow.

Day 8 - Saturday (R1P2D8)
Morning weigh-in: -1 lb!!!!!  (-6 lbs total so far) Back on track? I drank an iced mocha, not allowed, but made up for it with the lowest cal. choices for the day.

Day 9 - Sunday (R1P2D9)
Morning weigh-in:  No loss again!!  I think the problem could be not enough water and too large of food portions. I have always had a portion control problem when it comes to eating. I will be on track today!  I KNOW I can do this. It is NEVER too late to get healthy. I see it, I am it!!

Starting over

Well, it's been awhile since I even remembered that I have a blog. The "diet" I started last January went nowhere...... fast. Lost 12 pounds, stopped the diet and gained back 7 pounds. Learned nothing that would help me. 

I was in Facebook one day when I saw an ad that looked interesting. It was for a weight loss protocol using HCG. I had read about HCG in Kevin Trudeau's book, but thought it would be too hard to do. I clicked the link and read more. It always takes me a long time to decide to do almost anything, so I kept checking out the website and "thinking" about it.  A month later I decided to order the HCG drops. I also went to Amazon and ordered a couple of books to help me along my journey.

Now, with drops and books in hand......I still did not start the protocol!!  I did however pick a date that I thought would be the date I woould start.  A funny thing happened with that date...it is in the near future and by then I will be fonished with round 1 of the protocol!!

One day, actually the day before Mother's Day, I decided it was time. The first phase of the "diet" is to take your drops and eat like crazy. Took the drops Saturday, ate ok, DID NOT TAKE THE DROPS ON SUNDAY!!  Mother's day and did not stop to think about the drops. I was not sure if I needed to stop and start again, but I went on.

My lifestyle change is going well. The week end went very well. Sticking to this "diet" is easier than I thought it would be. I am "doing" one of those pre-packaged food diets. The food is good so I  know I can stick with it. I found an old recipe for the best veggie soup. I am going to share. It is counted as "free" on my diet. Have some before dinner and you will fill up and eat less. I make a big pot and take some to work. With the cold weather we have been having, it is perfect.

Tuscan Style Veggie Soup

2 - 3 cups water
1 small eggplant, peeled and cubed into small pieces
2 - 3 (14 ½ oz) cans whole tomatoes undrained and chopped (or use fresh if you want)
1 small package of mushrooms - sliced
1 - 2 garlic clove minced
3 - 4  zucchini  chopped into small pieces
1 tsp - dried Italian seasoning
salt to taste
black pepper to taste
freshly grated Parmesan Cheese put aside

Combine the all  ingredients (except cheese) in a large pot, stirring well.
Bring to a boil, cover, reduce heat and simmer 25 - 40 minutes or until
vegetables are soft.  Turn off heat and let sit until cooled enough to eat.

Serve and sprinkle with cheese before eating.

Like I said, this is perfect to have at lunch or before dinner. I plan on making a pot every week...until I get tired of it.... LOL. Let me know what you think.   I will be back in a day or two.

Happy "getting smaller"!!

My journey begins

I started my new me on January 4, 2010. That is the day I started to eat right and move more. I won't tell you my starting weight, but it shocked me to see how much I actually weighed. I've tried this "diet" thing before and never got to where I wanted to be. This time is different.  I am so sick of being sick.

Just before the holidays, I started a new job. I no longer had to dress up wearing "office" clothes. I can now wear jeans and be comfortable. Ok, that was part of the problem. For me to be comfortable, I needed stretch pants. You know, the kind that covers everything and moves with you. Most jeans don't stretch that much and I certainly did not have any that did. I had to go shopping to buy a few pair to get me through. One size higher than I have ever worn before. Not only that, but I needed to go up 3 sizes to fit my ever growing chest.

What really pushed me was the day I went shopping for a sweater or blouse to wear to our office holiday party. After so many failed attempts at finding something nice to wear, I ended up sitting on the floor of a fitting room in Macy's crying my heart out. I think tha was the final push I needed.