I am trying to understand.

When I started this blog oh so many years ago, it was meant to be a journal of my weight loss. What it has become is a journal to understanding myself and a way to vent. I now know that smaller shelley does not mean getting a smaller body. It means that I feel like a smaller person. I spend way too much time feeling sorry for myself. Always the victim? If that's true, then I am also the victimizer.  Bad things happen....get over it. I know these words are true, but I don't know how. I need to list some of the things that have happened TO me. I am not saying that I am not to blame for at least some of them, but you judge.

• I lost my job. I loved my job and the company I worked for. It was a business decision that had nothing to do with me personally. My position with the company was eliminated. I am good at what I do. The field is very tight in my area. I am over 50, which will probably make finding a new position more difficult.
• I have a non-relationship with my sister. She is older and had many problems of her own. I need to stop making excuses for her. The truth is that she is a sick individual. She has never liked me. She has always been jealous of me, even though it is all in her mind. For years I have known that she has been telling lies about me. I know I should have just confronted her, but she really is sick. No one wants to be the one to face her. We are all afraid of  pushing her over the edge. I recently learned exactly what she has been telling people. It is bad. It comes from her jealousy of me and the relationship I had with our mother. As far as I am concerned, she is no one to me. I'm done with her...period.
• I am married, but will get a divorce as soon as I am on my feet again and have the money for it. We live in the same house, but have been separated for over 3 years. It is a lot of work to get along. He can be very mean and no one should have to live like this. I did my part to ruin this marriage, so half of the blame lies squarely on my shoulders.
• I have a troubled child. I will take a lot of blame for this, but he owns his problems.He was our foster child and we adopted him. From early on my relationship with him has been on shaky ground. His issues are tipple for adopted children. Abandonment issues. Feeling that he does not belong. We are in therapy to resolve his issues, but he is not willing to do the work. In fact, he is not will to do any work. He is very smart. He is also lazy. Last year he failed the grade he was in ans is repeating it this year. He still does not do the work needed to successfully pass this year. I know I need to continue to work on this relationship. I do see a pattern here.
• I am very lonely. I have few friends and none live near. I have no support. No one to talk to.  I feel very trapped. Trapped in a dead marriage. Trapped in a house I hate. Trapped in my own mind. Now I don't have an income, so the trap is tighter than ever before.

See, I did say I feel sorry for myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself. Overweight, under loved. Stressed to the max. Time to kick myself in the butt and do something about it, but will I?